Something that stuck out to me from the feedback that I received was using imagery. Something that I don't usually do in a song, and that might be because I have not written a song. I usually keep the structure of a poem which is when I do apply imagery, but I didn't this time with the song. That's something that I applied to today. With the opening sentence, "the house without lights... the coldness in my feet" I decided to describe and get more of a feeling for the room and how I was feeling physically in the song.
Revised:
The house without light
The only thing I could see was the dark shadow when I open my eyes.
The coldness in my feet... that feeling you get when the ones that have passed are with you.
I begin to think
I lay down backwards on the bed
I pass time
just remembering
like a soul with shame
I keep on waiting.
I am at a loss of love from the past years.
I started as a young girl loving,
and growing, I grew up hating
and I prefer to call myself the ignorant one
so that I don't look so lonely
I flow just like the river
and I just smile discretely.
The bad that has come my way
I try to hide it
and it comes out from the wounds that will soon heal
... and I just live my life waiting
and I start to compose a list
a list of the cursed ones in my country.
In the country that adopts me.
There are other girls who are missing
And I have so much shame
so much fury in my throat.
This instant humanity
the one that's selfish, and the one that kills.
So that I can tell you this from the inside, it doesn't matter whose voice it is.
There is so much to say
that it doesn't even fit in a song.
I'm not really good at speaking... or writing
these are only delusional words
out of a crazy woman who pains for her country.
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