Day 4: Butterfly Stage

For my writing workshop, we were given an AP. This AP is cut up into four stages, metaphorically the stages of a butterfly. This is the butterfly stage. In this post, we are taking the feedback that we got from the third day, and apply their feedback into the piece. That is what I am working on today. 

Something that stuck out to me from the feedback that I received was using imagery. Something that I don't usually do in a song, and that might be because I have not written a song. I usually keep the structure of a poem which is when I do apply imagery, but I didn't this time with the song. That's something that I applied to today. With the opening sentence, "the house without lights... the coldness in my feet" I decided to describe and get more of a feeling for the room and how I was feeling physically in the song. 

Revised:

The house without light
The only thing I could see was the dark shadow when I open my eyes.
The coldness in my feet... that feeling you get when the ones that have passed are with you.
I begin to think
I lay down backwards on the bed
I pass time
just remembering
like a soul with shame
I keep on waiting.
I am at a loss of love from the past years.
I started as a young girl loving,
and growing, I grew up hating
and I prefer to call myself the ignorant one
so that I don't look so lonely
I flow just like the river
and I just smile discretely.
The bad that has come my way
I try to hide it
and it comes out from the wounds that will soon heal
...  and I just live my life waiting
and I start to compose a list
a list of the cursed ones in my country.
In the country that adopts me.
There are other girls who are missing
And I have so much shame
so much fury in my throat.
This instant humanity
the one that's selfish, and the one that kills.
So that I can tell you this from the inside, it doesn't matter whose voice it is.
There is so much to say
that it doesn't even fit in a song.
I'm not really good at speaking... or writing
these are only delusional words

out of a crazy woman who pains for her country.

Day 3: Peer Editing

For my writing workshop, we were given an AP. This AP is cut up into four stages, metaphorically the stages of a butterfly. This is the peer editing stage. In this post, we were looking at the students pieces and making revisions for them, and seeing what looked good and what didn't. 

The response that I was able to get from my partner was adding more imagery to my piece, which is something that I think I have trouble with sometimes. I'm usually a person who is to the point, rather than because more descriptive about it. She also said to check my grammar. Because this song/poem is in a different form, I punctuated differently. I didn't really think about punctuation in this case. It was more writing what I felt down, and not thinking about grammar. Now that I have dealt with this piece for a while, i'm able to look deeper into my mistakes, and make revisions. She liked specific lines like, "... I prefer to call myself the ignorant one, so that I don't look so lonely." Which is a line that I love because I think we all go through that in our life. We don't talk about something we truly think because we are afraid of the backlash we may get back. 

Day 2: Catepillar Stage

For my writing workshop, we were given an AP. This AP is cut up into four stages, metaphorically the stages of a butterfly. This is the caterpillar stage. We're making revisions on this part, adding more or less to the piece of writing.  In this post, I made more revisions to get a clearer understanding of the poem, and also adding an explanation to what this poem/song is really about.


Original Piece:

The house without light

The coldness in my feet

I begin to think

A lay down backwards

In the bed, I pass time

Just over thinking

Like a soul with shame

I keep on waiting.

I am with a loss of love for many years now

I began as a child loving,

And growing up hating

And i’d rather call myself the ignorant one

So that I don’t look so lonely

I begin to make a list of all the bad things in my countries

In the country that adopts me, there are many people missing.

And I have so much pain

So much fury in my throat

Of this instant humanity

The one that is selfish and kills

To sing this inside, it doesn’t matter whose voice it is

There is so much to say in this world, that it doesn’t even cost me a song

I’m not really good at speaking

… or writing

These are just some crazy thoughts

Of a crazy woman who has just died in her country.

Revised piece:

The house without light
The coldness in my feet
I begin to think
I lay down backwards on the bed
I pass time
just remembering
like a soul with shame
I keep on waiting.
I am at a loss of love from the past years.
I started as a young girl loving,
and growing, I grew up hating
and I prefer to call myself the ignorant one
so that I don't look so lonely
I flow just like the river
and I just smile discretely.
The bad that has come my way
I try to hide it
and it comes out from the wounds that will soon heal
...  and I just live my life waiting
and I start to compose a list
a list of the cursed ones in my country.
In the country that adopts me.
There are other girls who are missing
And I have so much shame
so much fury in my throat.
This instant humanity
the one that's selfish, and the one that kills.
So that I can tell you this from the inside, it doesn't matter whose voice it is.
There is so much to say
that it doesn't even fit in a song.
I'm not really good at speaking... or writing
these are only delusional words
out of a crazy woman who pains for her country.


The meaning behind this poem/song:

As I said in my first blogpost for Writer's toolbox, this is about two girls in their countries. Although these countries may seem completely different in society, these girls are facing the same problems. These girls have started young, loving their country. As they grow older, they begin to realize the destruction and inhumane society that they are living in. They are the ones to speak on about the issue in their countries, which is usually not spoken about in their country because people don't think it's something to be speaking about. But these girls, these girls feel like the only way to get these emotions out would be speaking about it through a song. So I wrote this poem/song to talk about a girl like myself living in the U.S. in comparison to a girl in Chile.

Day 1: Egg Stage

For my writing workshop, we were given an AP. This AP is cut up into four stages, metaphorically the stages of a butterfly. This is the egg stage. We're taking any piece of writing that we did in class, but furthering the context in which it was made. In this post, I am explaining what my song is particularly about, and why I wrote the song. 

Pain in her country

       

When I wrote this song I was in my room, particularly on my desk. The main thing on my mind was being in the U.S. and comparing that to a girl in a third world country. Comparing these two girls but at the same time showing the similarities in the two by their actions.  There were a lot of independent clauses. I don't know if that was because the way that I was writing was in the form of a song, or because I wanted it an action and subject for each. Something I notice in my writing is I say " I begin" or "I began" which is interesting because I start a new idea each time. I might want to change that up a bit only because I don't like the context that i'm putting it in. My intentions for this piece was to get the comparison of a girl in the United States and a girl from Chile for example. Those two countries are pretty close to one another, two totally different continents, but facing the same problem in different ways. A girl in Chile may be facing poverty, sexual harassment, etc. While a girl in the U.S. might be facing the same problems. The environments are different, the situations are the same. We both have developed a certain hate for our countries, where we live, the people we are surrounded by. We've both grown up in a dangerous nation, and although some people may not see it that way, it is; calling people crazy for thinking this way.